Stephen Fry describes the dangers of self pity. I saw that video years ago and it changed the way I look at my life.
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I love this man. He really speaks so clearly on mental health issues and is a delight
I also love [this speech](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohrtFuxUzZE) by him on the dangers of language – words/phrases said to dehumanize a type of person. In short, it’s what allowed a vocal minority in Nazi Germany infect the minds of other, normal, decent people to the point where they had no issues taking part in genocide.
Changed a lot of how I think about language.
Once you notice how often he touches his face, especially his nose, you can’t not see it.
Is that a nervous thing?
That’s all well and good but why at he end is he blaming Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel?
Great video and I fully agree, although I think we’re all, including me, inclined to sometimes slip into self-pity in one way or another. It’s good to be reminded to be mindful of it.
Every Reddit user should see this video lol. Self-pity is incredibly rampant on this site.
I realised I don’t fully understand what “pity” is…
I have dealt with close family members who destroyed their lives wallowing in self-pity. They developed this sense of entitlement that they were owed things in life by people around them, never asking what they did to deserve that or what they were going to do for those who helped them. It drove people away, including those who wanted to help them, and absolved them of any resposibility for solving their own problems.
Even if your problems are real, and even if you have been wronged, indulging in self pity prevents you from saving yourself. It’s fine to sort through your emotions and work out your pain, but indulging in self pity just creates a coccoon that separates you from those who can help you, and prevents you from taking the steps to get to where you want to be.
Maybe it’s just me misunderstanding the terms, but when does a genuine issue becomes self-pity?
There’s got to be a balance between “shut up and just be happy” and “voice your discomfort” no?
Like I wouldn’t blame a prisoner trapped in a hole for being depressed and falling into self-pity, trying to appeal to emotions in the hope to one day get out of there. I mean sure, they could just stop being sad and just enjoy their stupid hole, but that just sound legit insane to me.
But I guess we all take “self-pity” as “whining about stuff you can’t change, and then not doing any specific action to stuff you can” and to be negative by definition.
Incels are a prime example of this.
With out self pity, there’d be no Reddit.
Like a vicious, vicious cycle. It’s so hard to break out of the what if’s and if I could haves.
A good take.
Another amazing introspective advice video is done by some anonymous Irish comedy singer. The main singer from the Rubber Bandits.
[“Why do I wear a plastic bag?”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU0mnjXYqDY)
He hit the nail on the head on American culture. We just love to hear about how hard someone has it. From network television shows to the Olympics. They’re all littered with stories about how hard peoples lives have been, and all of the terrible things that have happened to them. It’s unwatchable. We need to learn to stop being the victim and reveling in it.
Very important video. Especially to Reddit. I read somewhere that Reddit deeply *fetishizes* mental health issues. And self-pity is at the heart of that.
There is a very saturated culture here, moreso than anywhere else, that is absolutely committed to its self-pity. And while they’re happy to upvote and preach that mental health issues “explain but don’t excuse your behaviour”, they will angrily fight to not confront it.
Makes this site particularly dangerous if you’re struggling with that.
“I pity the fool” – Mr. T
This was my ex husband. He had genuine, unwarranted, bad things happen to him and then used that as an excuse for more bad things happening. Like yes we go divorced but it wasn’t because your mom beat you as a child… You wouldn’t do therapy with me or by yourself and left me to take care of an infant while you drank yourself to sleep while playing video games in the basement?
I think it’s important to give yourself grace and acknowledge that who you were at the time and given the circumstances you made the decisions you did which may or may not have been the best–but that shouldn’t excuse what you could or should do with each new day of clarity and desire to improve.
Just a dangerous balance, really.
I don’t disagree, but it’s easier said then done.
I feel sorry for myself all the damn time. I wish I could turn it off or push it away. I had a stillborn baby and then a second trimester miscarriage and I just feel sorry for myself. Ive fucking been through it. I also feel sorry for my husband and my little toddler who doesn’t have any living siblings.
How do I push away that self pity without letting go of my grief? How do I miss my boys without feeling sorry for myself that they’re gone?
Everybody is acting like this is genius but IMO if we look at therapy, this is the second part. The first part is much more important, and it is validating the pain and trauma and connecting with your feelings and narratives, not just trying to shove them under a rug. What he’s saying has some validity, but it sure does smack of /r/thanksImCured
Self Pity is definitely a layer, but it’s actually the most forward facing layer. It’s what lies beneath that…that’s where the real work is done.
If anybody didn’t find this video incredibly helpful, it’s because he’s not really talking about the antidote to self pity: *vulnerability*.
Brené Brown
has done a lot of work around this. If you’re looking to dig deeper, I highly recommend checking out her talks (and books, and podcasts, etc..)
[The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o)
“Sometimes I go about in pity for my self, and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky.”
– Ojibwe saying
You can see how destructive self pity is by looking at incels.
All the people in here saying Millenials and gen z are self-pitying can go fuck themselves. Older generations have literally destroyed the planet and killed the ability to move between classes. That very much needs to be addressed. A lot of you armchair assholes seem to be confused about the difference between bringing up legitimate grievances and whining.
Always looking for a good excuse to post a [Zen Pencils](https://www.zenpencils.com/comic/89-stephen-fry-ultimate-self-help-book/) title!
This was me for a very long time I’m sad to admit.
I really didn’t have the coping skills to figure a way out when I was younger. And it’s true that I started to feel entitled to that self pity. Everyone else was the problem for not recognising my unhappiness, not me. After working on myself, getting rid of some toxic friends and changing the way I speak to myself I could finally see the self pity for what it really was.
After my ‘recovery’ I dated this girl who had the same self pity I use to possess years ago. A year in I had to walk away from that relationship because it became clear that she was deep in the self pity cycle and didn’t want to bring herself out of it. Sadly that mean she self sabotage most of the functional parts of our relationship while always playing the victim.
“Don’t do that”
Great. How?
Just wanted to say I really needed to hear this right now; and in a weird way I think I needed to hear it from Stephen Fry.
The key insight that he touches on is “even if some of those things are true”. You may very well have been greatly wronged. You may be playing an unfair game. You may have plenty of valid reasons to complain.
BUT, what difference does it make from this day forward? You are where you are. All you can do is work to improve your situation starting right now.
The next 5 years will go by regardless. You can be 5 years older and stuck in the same spot. Or you can be 5 years older and so much closer to where you want to be.
I agree and disagree. To be honest, Stephen Fry as a posh, upper class British guy who went to Cambridge lecturing people on being upset by their circumstances has quite a bit of “bootstrap” logic to it. That being said, there are people I know who absolutely can’t move beyond their self pity and essentially cripple themselves out of bitterness and blaming and lashing out that is understandable in some way but when they never are able to move past it, it can consume them completely and turn into a learned helplessness situation. I think it’s important to be upset by injustice and recognize the ways that external influences may have negatively impacted your life. That said, what has helped me is thinking of having to play the cards you’re dealt. Yes, I was wronged in many ways, yes others had it far easier than I did, yes, I was “done wrong” by so many people in ways I did not deserve, yet at the end of the day, I only have one life, and either I can try to make the best with what I’ve been given, or I can just give up and let things get worse and worse and let my bitterness consume me. I used to live that way for quite awhile but frankly got sick of it, and gave up on my ideas of perfection and figured if I could have even an ok life where things weren’t terrible every hour of the day, that would be a success in itself and I should give myself credit for achieving mediocrity.
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Sadly the victim mindset is more in vogue than ever.
I’m depressed. Of course I know it’s not constructive, but that doesn’t help when I can’t stop.
Everyone agrees that you should try to be happy and not care about things you cannot change. But it is easier said than done.
I was holding a door for a guy about 8 years ago and he didn’t say thank you. I was mad at him and I thought “like drinking poison and hoping he gets sick.” And then right after that I see a lady being rude to the gas station attendant. Very rude. So I said “ma’am I don’t think that’s necessary.” To which she said “I’m just tired.” Then looked at the clerk and apologized. And in that moment my life changed FOREVER. I always felt if I was a good person my life would work out. I then tried killing myself three times with over dose cause I was so sad about it not being true. But what I understood in that moment was this. I don’t hold the door for the person to say thank you I do it cause it’s the right thing. The right thing feels good to me and that was enough. But then on top of that it was like god because I had to have the second part for the first to hit home and it was this. My bad time does not need to be an excuse for someone else’s and it is in doing good that my bad time will be made less. It may not cure me of what is hurting but it can help and in protecting others from my wrath is the same as protecting someone from a closed door. It’s not necessary but it’s right and at the end of it all that was what saved me.
I know this is a somewhat generic post to make, but I really needed to hear this right now. Spent all morning sulking around at work because I got two traffic citations on the way to work that are gonna deplete the money I’ve been working hard to save.
Self pity will destroy everything around it except itself. Boy if that ain’t the truth. Feeling better now about the situation. Just gotta keep on truckin.
Thanks, OP.